Exclusive: 40% of County fans love a Bounty
A day of celebrations at Edgeley Park, in more ways than one
Dear County fans, Stopfordians and any other football supporters joining us - it’s a quick one from me tonight, as the FA Cup draw is on shortly. (BBC Two, 7pm.) There’s a couple of FA Cup snippets below, but the main feature today is an explanation of why I was lugging round a box of Celebrations with me at the game on Saturday.
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Des Junior
Whatever your view on journalists, you’ve got to admit some of them have balls of steel. Roger Cook exposed racketeering gangsters in Salford. Donal MacIntyre went undercover with the Chelsea Headhunters. Louis Theroux has hung out with various psychos and headcases across the globe. But if there’s a biscuit to be taken, you can pop that in my cup of tea, because I don’t think any of the aforementioned names would have had the bollocks to do what I did on Saturday.
I smuggled a box of Celebrations into Edgeley Park and asked County fans to name their best and worst. If you think you can handle reading this hard-hitting exposé, please carry on.
Before you do, however, I feel I’ve got to apologise for the clickbaity nature of the title. The dramatic headline - and I think it is dramatic because you’d struggle to find such a high percentage of people anywhere else in the world who love a Bounty - is factually correct. 40% of County fans I interviewed did say they loved a Bounty. But I only spoke to 15 people in total. And one of those was myself. That’s not a lot, is it? I feel I’ve lost any editorial credibility I had. In fact, can someone rush round to mine and rescue this biscuit out of my brew before it submerges. Give it to Theroux, he deserves it more than me.
I’ve just calculated that 15 people represents 0.37% of the 4,032 County fans at the Swindon game on Saturday. This is going to be a completely pathetic investigation on my part isn’t it? Once again, I do apologise. I’m utterly ashamed at that embarrassingly low number, because this piece can’t possibly give an accurate representation of the general consensus. My God, that would be like 0.12% of the population having the power to vote Liz Truss into No 10. Imagine something ludicrous like that happening!*
Having spent £2 on a box of Celebrations from the Co-op on Castle Street, I am going to see this thing through till the end. By the way, if you’re wondering why I’m doing this - which let’s face it you should be if you’re sane - it’s because of the viral debate on social media last week after Mars Wrigley announced their new persona Bounty non grata range in time for Christmas. I thought it would be fun to see how County fans felt about the situation, compared with the 39% of Brits who want the coconut-filled chocolate banished forever. Key finding: County fans actually have more resentment for a Milky Way than they do a Bounty.
My investigation starts in the upstairs room of The Armoury, where eight members of the Stockport Sippers Society share their chocolatey thoughts. They are my friends, however, so they don’t really have a choice. From a journalistic point of view, it’s not a walk in the park though, as they offer insightful comments such as “not arsed” and “not bothered” when it comes to their Bounty beliefs. “I’ve got a pint of Dizzy Blonde in my hand, why would I be interested in fucking chocolate?” says another.
As I offer my wares around the room, nobody chooses a Bounty, although Steve and Andy both declare the coconut treat as their second favourite. And it turns out I’m sat next to a bit of a Bounty superfan, Bill, although the dark variety, which you can’t get in a box of Celebrations, much to his chagrin.
“A dark Bounty is the best chocolate you can get,” says Bill. “If I ever see them on sale, I always buy a few, because you never know when you’ll see the fuckers again.”
When asked for their favourite Celebration, some of the cheekier Sippers give me a cheer, a fist bump and even a Mexican wave. I refuse to even acknowledge these jokes here. November is far too early for Christmas cracker humour like this.
I’d planned to have a chat with a few County fans if the game was boring, but with goals flying in during the opening 45 minutes, it’s half-time before the Celebrations next make an appearance. And it’s Bounty Central on the Cheadle End concourse. Irish Micky chooses a Bounty. So too does Phil Brennan, who worryingly looks a little too excited when it comes to coconut and chocolate. Perhaps Phil is a secret deviant who does unspeakable things with a Bounty and that’s why Mars have had to remove them. That’s definitely one for Theroux.
I’ve still got half a box left in the second half so I offer a few treats to those around me, after Ryan Rydel also treats us with County’s fourth of the afternoon. Handing out Celebrations feels very apt as we saunter into round two, with cheers and merriness aplenty in the Cheadle End. Swindon fans are serenaded with a fine rendition of ‘Cheerio’ as they make an early exit, along with the popular B-side ‘4-0 Down and You’re Piss Wet Through’. Safe in the knowledge that the game was won a long time ago, County fans are even able to heartily laugh and cheer as Hippolyte blasts a shot wide, and Hinchliffe puts a clearance over the Pop Side. Football is such an enjoyable experience when you can enjoy mistakes from your own team, because the opposition have been that bad.
As County celebrate a comfortable passage into the second round, the final stop for me is The Prince Albert. Martin McNally chooses a Malteser, Emma Statham opts for a Milky Way, and I find another Bounty lover to go against the grain of British opinion, Lesley Costello. That’s 6 out of 15 County fans - a whopping 40% - who quite like a bit of coconut in their chocolate.
Having said that, I’ve still got a couple of Bounty’s left, along with a few generally-unloved ones such as Milky Way and Snickers, when I rejoin the Stockport Sippers Society at the Angel Inn on the market. It’s Saturday night by this stage, and my interest (as well as yours reading this, probably) in the investigation has dwindled. I chuck the remaining chocolates that nobody else has wanted all day in the middle of the table, but at this stage in the proceedings, after the Sippers have moved on to 8% Belgian beer, they’re devoured faster than a pack of wolves ripping apart a carcass.
Talk turns to the FA Cup. County are now just 90 minutes away from round three, which is when lower league football fans can start dreaming of a trip to Anfield or Old Trafford. Win there, and the box of Heroes can come out.
*Political satire really isn’t my thing, so make the most of this and whack it on eBay immediately. And then give me some of the money so I can learn how to be a proper journalist like Boris Johnson.
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Bunch of fives
The 5️⃣ hardest balls in tonight’s FA Cup draw (on paper)
Ipswich Town - League One, 2nd (if they win at Bracknell tonight)
Sheffield Wednesday - League One, 3rd
Peterborough United - League One, 4th (if they win at Salford in the replay)
Portsmouth - League One, 5th
Derby County - League One, 7th (if they beat Torquay in the replay)
The 5️⃣ easiest balls in tonight’s FA Cup draw (on paper)
Alvechurch - Southern League Premier Central, 19th
Bracknell Town - Southern League Premier South, 11th (if they beat Ipswich tonight)
Weymouth - National League South, 24th (if they win at Wimbledon in the replay)
Chippenham Town - National League South, 20th
Farnborough - National League South, 19th
5️⃣ decent draws for the drinkers
Buxton away
Shrewsbury away
Burton away
Chesterfield away
Sheffield Wednesday away
5️⃣ draws where you’re allowed to throw your TV out the window
MK Dons away
Exeter away
Mansfield away
Bristol Rovers away
Grimsby away