Review: Football Cops

The latest episode on Channel 4 features County’s play-off semi-final with Salford, plus a spot of bother at Brunton Park

Jun 21, 2024

Friday 21 June 2024

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Dear County fans, Stopfordians, and anyone else from The Football Family joining us today, a very warm welcome to your Friday edition of The Scarf My Father Wore.

I watched the latest episode of Football Cops on Channel 4 this week. Thought I’d give it a bit of a review.

EURO 2024 – DAY 8

2pm: Slovakia v Ukraine 🇸🇰🇺🇦

5pm: Poland v Austria 🇵🇱🇦🇹

8pm: Netherlands v France 🇳🇱🇫🇷

Here’s a list of the best places to watch today’s games…

Bask (SK1). All the action on two 75” screens.

Crown (SK2). Buy a pint of Helles today and you’ll be in with a chance of winning 52 free pints! There’s also a special menu throughout the Euros.

Armoury (SK3).

Reddish Working Men’s Club (SK5). There’s four screens in the games room, a new projector in the lower games room, and a screen in the middle room where families and children can enjoy the match. Check out the Special Offer Wheel which will be offering a variety of great deals before, during and after each game.

Railway (SK6).

Marple Tavern (SK6). Food served at half-time such as burgers, hot dogs, pizza and chips.

Steelworks (SK6). Games shown downstairs (sound off) and upstairs (sound on).

Shady Oak (SK7). Food served during the games from the matchday menu. Pick up a loyalty card to receive a discount on certain drinks.

Three Tunnes (SK7). Buy a pint of Helles today and you’ll be in with a chance of winning 52 free pints! There’s also a special menu throughout the Euros.

Cross Keys (SK8). Bitter £2.30 a pint all day. Discounts on certain lagers 12pm - 6pm.

Railway (SK9). TVs in every room, and outside. Discounted doubles on spirits and 10% off four pint jugs.

Flute & Firkin (SK12). Call 01625 879181 to book a table, and quote “The Scarf My Father Wore” to receive 10% off your first round of drinks. (Not applicable for walk-ins.)

Friendship Inn (SK13). Five big screen TVs with surround sound, including one outside in the beer garden.

Today’s edition is sponsored by C J Motors Stockport and Slimming World Reddish & Bredbury. A big thank you to both Connor and Shlean.

Finally, I’m currently walking every street in Stockport to raise money for mental health charity Mentell. If you’d like to make a donation to help me reach my target, please click here.

Total distance so far: 148.94 miles

Total steps so far: 237,462

Total raised so far: £1,881

Total completed streets so far: 304 (Click here for the full list, which includes reports and photos from every day of the walk.)

Further information on the walk can be found by clicking here.

Des Junior

Football fans are pretty stupid, aren’t they? I’m a football fan myself, but more often than not I’d struggle to come up with a convincing rebuttal to that opening statement. Especially after watching the latest episode of Football Cops on Channel 4.

Over the course of this article, I’m going to call a number of people stupid. To avoid any accusations of punching down rather than up, I’ll commence by calling myself stupid. Getting arrested for shoplifting, after watching Stockport County’s game at Accrington Stanley in February 2008, was undoubtedly very, very stupid.

Before you disown me/unsubscribe/call my parents, don’t worry, I’m not one of these hoodlums that terrorise security guards on minimum wage in Sainsbury’s by nicking steaks and bottles of wine all day long. In fact, 16 years ago, in that little corner shop in Accrington somewhere on the main road between the football ground and the train station, I didn’t attempt to conceal any item of food or drink within any item of my outfit.

I did, however, boot a loaf of bread out of the front door and onto the pavement. That was probably one of the best volleys of my footballing career, but it did constitute shoplifting in the eyes of the law, as a police van on blues and twos raced up to the train station, before a couple of coppers descended on the platform, placed me in handcuffs, and chucked me in the back of the meat wagon. (Alongside one of my best mates, incidentally, who’d walked out of the same shop with a small packet of Wine Gums in his pocket. The monster.)

That was an expensive loaf of bread, let me tell you. A night in the cells at Blackburn police station, an £80 fine, plus a taxi back to Stockport, as it was about four in the morning when the custody sergeant turfed us out. I’m glad the Football Cops cameras weren’t filming back then, as a stupid and childish incident such as this would surely have ended up on the telly. I might even have ended up with Hovis Hinks as a nickname. Jesus.

Instead, the Football Cops cameras are capturing the 2022-23 season, with this episode concentrating on the League Two play-offs in May. The opening montage of scenes from the latest programme features a few coppers stood watching County fans having a pint outside The Prince Albert on Castle Street before the second leg against Salford – “there’s about 60-70 medium risk” – but the majority of the latest instalment comes from Carlisle’s clash with Bradford.

Enter Stupid Person Number One. As the Bradford fans are being escorted to the ground by the police, one of them grabs a pair of sunglasses off the head of a Carlisle fan, before then resisting arrest. I would suggest that’s not the most sensible thing to do… when you’ve got a bag of cocaine in your pocket. “Please don’t make me miss the game mate,” pleads the Yorkshireman. The request, unsurprisingly, falls on deaf ears.

Stupid Person Number Two isn’t actually identified, but that’s the copper or steward who’s taken their eye off the ball, allowing someone underneath the stand to force open a gate, which means Cumbrians and Bantams are suddenly throwing pints and punches at each other while the game’s still going on.

We’re introduced to Stupid Person Number Three during extra-time. A Carlisle fan called Whizzer. When the home side take the lead on aggregate for the first time in the tie, Whizzer decides to invade the pitch from the side, before sprinting across the grass to the opposite stand. He attempts to disguise himself by changing his top, but as he’s got ginger hair (as the narrator tells us on the voiceover), the coppers manage to track him down.

I do warm to Whizzer, I must say. He’s not hurt anyone, he’s a passionate devotee of his hometown club, and as he’s having a bit of banter with the coppers outside the ground, he reminds me of so many County fans, who can also be as daft as a brush with a few pints in their system.

Within the next few minutes, Bradford level the tie, before Carlisle score the goal which takes them to Wembley (headed home by Ben Barclay, on loan from County at the time). It’s at this point the coppers unleash one of the cruellest roasts or burns or whatever the kids say these days.

“Whizzer, we’re going to Wembley!!! You’re not.”

That’s bloody harsh, innit? As a proper football fan, many of you will surely want to give Whizzer a cuddle at this point, although perhaps not many County fans, as it’s us Carlisle would beat at Wembley a week later to clinch promotion to League One.

Whizzer ended up with a three year ban and a £505 fine. The cameras catch up with him at the end of the episode and he’s asked if he’ll do something like this again. “Hopefully not,” he grins, which means you’ll definitely see Whizzer on the pitch at a Carlisle game again. Well, in three years’ time anyway.

Before I sign off, there’s a couple of other Stupid People who aren’t escaping my clutches. One’s the graphics editor who puts “Stockport FC” on the screen as we cut to Edgeley Park; the other’s the narrator who calls our opponents “Sell-ford” rather than “Sol-ford”.

It’s worth a watch, though. If your sense of humour is anything like mine, you’ll be tickled by Barrow’s DFO (dedicated football officer), who’s lending a hand at that Carlisle game. He reminds me of the type of character portrayed on the hilarious That Peter Kay Thing.

“Tell him to come to where the slightly podgy policeman is,” he says to a Bradford fan on his mobile phone, trying to give pub directions to his mate. Then, as the Bradford lot are escorted to the ground, the Barrow DFO does a couple of keepy-ups and a header with a blue balloon. At this point he’s giving me David Brent vibes.

The footage of Carlisle and Bradford fans scrapping is interspersed with Barrow’s DFO speaking directly to camera in a dark room, in serious documentary mode. “It’s a heightened situation,” he says. “People are swinging punches at that point, but you go into an ultra special mode.”

Ultra special mode. Wow, that sounds exciting doesn’t it? Although in this case, ultra special mode equates to… closing the gate.

Not all heroes wear capes.

Make sure you get your car serviced before your summer holiday

Not everyone travels abroad these days for their summer jollies. Whether you’re taking your caravan to Cornwall, your motorhome to Margate, or simply packing up your Skoda for a few days in Skegness, make sure you’re on top of your servicing. Don’t be that family stuck on the hard shoulder with their hazard lights on!

Before you go away, get your vehicle booked in for a service with Connor at CJ Motors (opposite The Peel Centre) to avoid any additional stress on your holiday.

Visit cjmotorsuk.com for further details.

Lose weight and manage your diabetes with Slimming World

Slimming World have helped thousands of members lose weight and manage their diabetes. Now, they’re partnering with Diabetes UK to make that support even stronger.

“We’ve always directed our members living with diabetes to Diabetes UK for support outside of weight management, so we’re delighted to be working more closely with them,” said Lisa Salmon, Slimming World’s managing director.

“We’ll be collaborating on resources, producing co-branded recipes, increasing our knowledge, and sharing our expertise.”

Through this partnership, Slimming World aim to further deepen their understanding of the challenges and misconceptions people living with diabetes face. They’re committed to supporting their members with the latest and most effective information in diabetes care, and to reaching even more people living with diabetes or at risk of type 2 diabetes with inspiration and advice.

How Slimming World supports members with diabetes

Type 1 diabetes: Taking insulin or other medication doesn’t need to be a barrier to losing weight. Many Slimming World members with type 1 diabetes lose weight and steadily become fitter and healthier.

Type 2 diabetes: Slimming World have advice on managing blood glucose levels, including a five-day low-carbohydrate eating plan.

Pre-diabetes: If you’ve been told that you’re at risk of developing type 2 diabetes, making positive and lasting lifestyle changes can help you avoid or delay a diagnosis in the future.Slimming World’s latest evaluation found that more than half of members with a diagnosis of type 2 diabetes surveyed, who had lost at least 10% of their body weight, said they had put the condition into remission. (The study polled 268 Slimming World members with diabetes in May 2020 and was published in the Archives of Diabetes & Obesity in 2021.)

Dreen, a member of Shlean's group at Houldsworth Working Men’s Club in Reddish, has reversed her type 2 diabetes losing 1st 2lbs.

Shlean runs groups on Mondays at Bredbury St Marks Cricket Club and Tuesdays at Houldsworth Working Men’s Club in Reddish.

For more information give Shlean a call on 07725 088549 or email shlean@sky.com.

Photo of the day

Edgeley Park, Stockport

Eleven years in non-league come to an end, as Mark Stott celebrates County’s return to the Football League in May 2022, with a well-deserved glass of red.

Today in SK

🎬 Cinema

One film at The Savoy Cinema (SK4) today. The Bikeriders (15) at 5.45pm and 8.15pm. Click here for tickets.

💿 DJs

Stockport’s biggest party at the weekend is at Bask (SK1), with DJ Gareth Brooks playing till 3am. Last entry 1.30am. Tonight’s an R&B special.

The Nelson Tavern (SK1) have their resident DJ playing on a Friday night, with Dicko (Ian Dickinson) on from 8pm till 1am.

🍺 Food and drink

If you’re in Stockport today, pop into The Petersgate Tap (SK1) for a pint or two.

🎶 Karaoke

The Cross Keys (SK8).

🎸 Live music

Vince Hughes at The Crown (SK6). 9pm.

100 random grounds that County have played at

#44 – Brunton Park, Carlisle

Last visit: An exciting game at Brunton Park the last time County were up there, but a couple of big points dropped in the race for automatic promotion, with Dave Challinor’s men ultimately having to settle for a place in the play-offs. Myles Hippolyte gave us a half-time lead, Carlisle went 2-1 up towards the end, but Connor Lemonheigh-Evans rescued a late point.