Ten things you need to know if we’re in the Conference North next season
Don’t worry County fans, we’ve not heard any dodgy rumours, this is just a fanzine flashback
Monday 11 March 2024
NEXT HOME GAME: MK Dons – Saturday 23 March, 5.15pm
NEXT AWAY GAME: Salford – Thursday 14 March, 8pm
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Dear County fans, Stopfordians, and anyone else from The Football Family joining us today, a very warm welcome to your Monday edition of The Scarf My Father Wore.
Knowing I was going to be on the Pop Side for the Newport game on Saturday afternoon, Steve McMahon kindly brought a carrier bag of County goodies, which he gave to me at half-time. The bag mainly contained old County programmes, but there was also a copy of Clear Blue Skies from the end of the 2012-13 season, which included an article from yours truly.
Looking back at the fixture list, I must have written the article after County’s 1-0 victory at home to Newport (who went on to win the play-offs) in Ian Bogie’s first game in charge, which actually took us up to 18th. Unfortunately, we only won one of our next six, with relegation confirmed on that disastrous final day at Kidderminster, even though we’d already accumulated 50 points.
The article was a guide to all the things we could “look forward to” if the worst happened and we did find ourselves in the Conference North. I thought it would be an interesting piece to upload today, and I’ve included a few snippets of what actually transpired as well.
Our first live event of 2024 is taking place next month. ‘Flynny at the Finger’ – an evening with County legend Mike Flynn – is at The Fingerpost on Wednesday 17 April. Start time 7.30pm. Over half the tickets have already been sold. If you’d like to join us, please email thescarfmyfatherwore@substack.com. Tickets are £10 (or £5 for paid subscribers plus anyone who’s written an article for The Scarf My Father Wore). That includes a full colour souvenir programme, and even a little bit of stand-up comedy!
Today’s edition is sponsored by MKM Manchester South, joining The Scarf My Father Wore family for the first time. A big thank you to Mark and James.
Finally, I’m currently walking every street in Stockport to raise money for mental health charity Mentell. If you’d like to make a donation to help me reach my target, please click here.
Total distance so far: 136.36 miles
Total steps so far: 217,174
Total raised so far: £1,641
Total completed streets so far: 271 (Click here for the full list, which includes reports and photos from every day of the walk.)
Further information on the walk can be found by clicking here.
Des Junior
Just like you, I pray this doesn’t happen.
I pray the names of Tamworth and Dartford appear on our fixture list in August. Now there’s a sentence I never thought I’d say. If we hadn’t changed the manager, then yes, next season could have seen the Bosnian taking us to Boston. Instead, I hope the Bogie is picking his team at Braintree. Although with the new season still four months away, County could have another three managers in the hotseat by then. We should be okay. Hopefully a morale-boosting victory against a promotion-chasing side last weekend will give us enough confidence to pick up the last few points which will secure a third season at non-league football’s top table.
But if it all goes to shit, in true County style (why can I see us breaking a Conference record and finishing in that last relegation place with something like 50 points?), then here’s our exclusive cut-out-and-keep guide of things to look out for in the Conference North next season. Pffft.
1) The road to Wembley is a lot longer
One aspect of non-league life County fans had to familiarise themselves with upon dropping into the Conference a couple of years ago was the fact we had to qualify for the FA Cup.
Having automatically entered the first round proper in every post-war season – even going straight into the third round hat on five occasions – we now had to win a qualifying game for the privilege. Disappointing? Yes. A culture shock? Not really. This season we had a home tie and last season we were at Southport – not exactly a ramshackle shithole in the middle of nowhere.
Next season, however, if we go down, that’s when the FA Cup could really take us to a proper ramshackle shithole in the middle of nowhere. We would enter the competition, wait for it, in the second qualifying round. A total of 160 clubs take part at this stage, meaning we could easily draw one of the FA Cup’s funny-sounding clubs who always kick off the competition in August. Take our current relegation rivals Hyde and Nuneaton, for example, who were both in the Conference North last season. Hyde were drawn away to Staveley Miners Welfare whilst Nuneaton went to Needham Market.
We’d have to win three ties just to reach the first round, although it would give us a rare chance to enjoy a bit of a cup run. Not to mention the fact that those supporters who enjoy a beverage or two could look forward to terrorising some backwater Yorkshire village. Expect the FA Cup to appear on the fixture list a lot sooner as well, with the second qualifying round often taking place in September. It would probably be the earliest date in a season we’ve played an FA Cup game. Unless it comes after September 25th, which was the date our FA Cup campaign kicked off in the recent 1897-98 season. We beat Chester 2-1 at home. Not that I’m the sort of geek who enjoys any excuse to dig out the County history books. I do actually remember the game. Lancs started selling his fanzine for the first time.
County did indeed start their FA Cup adventure in September, with a 1-0 victory at home to Brighouse Town. Unfortunately, this wasn’t the start of a cup run, with Rushall Olympic winning at EP a fortnight later in the third qualifying round.
2) Edgeley Park could stage a play-off final
This is a bit of a weird one. The Conference North play-offs are as you’d expect at the semi-final stage. Second plays fifth, third plays fourth. Played over two legs, home and away, with the team finishing higher in the table enjoying traditional home advantage in the second leg. But then the winners don’t head off to Wembley for the final. In fact, there’s no neutral ground involved at all. Of the two semi-final winners, whichever one better placed in the league hosts the final at their own ground.
So if we do go down, win a few games next season and end up in the play-offs, expect to hear some witty Cheadle Enders coming out with: “We’re going to Edge-er-lee.”
Edgeley Park didn’t stage a play-off final. We finished 14th.
3) We’ll miss out on Chester away
Some County fans quite enjoy having a bit of non-league knowledge; some couldn’t give a Carlton Palmer. In any case, you might have thought participation in the Conference North next season would mean a return to the various drinking holes that Chester has to offer. Well, it won’t. They’ve absolutely pissed the division this season and will easily smash 100 points and 100 goals over the remaining games. Oh well. I’ve heard Vauxhall Motors is quite nice too.
Chester won the league with 107 points (averaging over 2.5 points per game), scoring 103 goals in the process.
4) We’ll be playing in a regional league for the first time in 56 years
The 1957-58 season. That’s the last time County took part in a regional league. We did quite well, though, finishing 9th in Division Three North. Average attendance at Edgeley Park that season, incidentally, was 9,996. Might need a few away fans from Solihull Moors to help us get close to that figure.
Our average attendance in our first season in the sixth tier was 2,593.
5) We have to qualify for the FA Trophy
As if the FA Cup wasn’t depressing enough, we’re not even guaranteed a place in the first round proper of the FA Trophy either. We’ll enter the competition at the third qualifying round stage, needing a single victory to make it into the hat for the first round, and a possible glamour tie against one of the big Conference clubs. Like Hyde.
We didn’t qualify for the FA Trophy. Barrow beat us 3-2 in a third qualifying round replay at Edgeley Park, watched by a crowd of 812.
6) FC United could be turning up
With James Spencer in excellent form, yes that’s James Spencer in excellent form, FC United are looking to book another place in the Northern Premier League play-offs this season (they lost last season’s final to Bradford Park Avenue). There’s a possibility they could clinch promotion this time around and join us as league opponents next season. Wouldn’t that be fun.
FC United did make the play-offs, but lost to Hednesford Town in the final. They joined us in the league in 2015-16.
7) Our number of local derbies could decrease
Depending on who you speak to, Stockport can be described as a place in Cheshire and Greater Manchester (not me, not me, put the gun down). But let’s say that’s true for a moment. That gives us two proper derbies this season – Macc Town and Hyde. Going from a national division into a regional one, you’d expect loads more local games, right? Well, wrong actually. With the possibility of Hyde staying in the Conference, Altrincham joining it, and Droylsden dropping out of the Conference North, our solitary derby next season could be a short wander into the hilariously-named Staly Vegas.
Hyde did stay up; Droylsden did go down. Altrincham lost in the play-offs, which meant we had three teams from Cheshire / Greater Manchester in our division, along with Stalybridge and Vauxhall Motors.
8) The league isn’t as local as you might think
Solihull, Worcester, Histon, Gloucester, Oxford, Bishop’s sodding Stortford. Don’t let the ‘North’ bit of ‘Conference North’ fool you too much, the league really isn’t as regional as you might think.
Try travelling to a few of those on a Tuesday night next season and see if the division has a local feel to it. Placing teams in non-league divisions when it starts to go all regional is a geographical minefield, and fans across the country have been complaining to the powers that be for quite a few years now. Don’t try and get your head around why Oxford is in the footballing north. Nobody understands it.
But if you think you’ve got a whole season off from four-hour trips on the Fingerpost coach sitting behind someone demolishing really smelly food like egg sandwiches, then think again.
Our first away game in the sixth tier was a Tuesday night trip to Workington, which is definitely in the north, but still bloody miles away. There were lots of other grim Tuesday night journeys as well: Barrow, Hednesford, Boston and Worcester (at Kidderminster). And as for supposedly being a regional division, our final away game of the season wasn’t even in the same country! (Colwyn Bay.)
9) Attendances will get much lower
It’s a Sunday evening and I’m really not going to start researching average attendances for every club. But with the Conference described as a “fifth division” these days, some games really haven’t felt that different to those in League Two have they?
Luton’s six thousand or whatever pisses on many in the division above. Wrexham, Mansfield, Grimsby, Lincoln, Cambridge and a few others still get decent-ish gates. In fact, the majority of average attendances in last season’s Conference were all above a thousand. That changes one division lower. Quite a lot.
It seems in the Conference North last season, only Halifax and Boston managed over a thousand (just). The rest were in the hundreds, and the low hundreds at that. Expect a full campaign of pre-season friendly atmospheres, folks.
A crowd of just 376 saw our away game at Worcester (played at Kidderminster), with 390 at Brackley, 404 at Vauxhall Motors and 440 at North Ferriby. The average away attendance that season was 828.
10) Stockport County Football Club will find themselves in the sixth tier of English football
Fucking hell.
(Dear Mr Bogie, please keep us up.)
Fucking hell, indeed. We went down. On the final day. At Kidderminster. A rather lively afternoon…
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Photo of the day
A great big HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Karen from The Dog & Partridge!
Today in SK
🎬 Cinema
One film at The Savoy Cinema (SK4) today. Dune: Part II (12A) at 7.30pm. Click here for tickets.
🍺 Food and drink
There’s a new craft stout at The Dog & Partridge (SK2) this month. Euphoria is a 4.5% ABV dark, easy drinking kegged stout with a subtle punch of coffee, chocolate and a deep, rich malt flavour.
Treat yourself to a delicious scone at All Things Nice (SK6), freshly baked each morning with love. Open till 4pm.
🎶 Free jukebox
The Nelson Tavern (SK1). From 6.30pm.
Random County fan of the day #68 – Michael Shoard!
One final thing before you go… if you’re in need of any of these products or services this month, get in touch with our brilliant bunch of sponsors!
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Tremendous. Remarkable that you predicted correctly our high points/relegation combination... my favourite part though was the phrase 'the recent 1897/98 season', a deliciously and elegantly concise touch there- the blog-post equivalent of Paddy Madden dissecting an entire defence with a no-look three-yard through-pass. Just oozing class!