We’re all going on a League One tour, but what have Grimsby made of 23-24…
A season to forget in Cleethorpes, as Tony Butcher explains
Friday 10 May 2024
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Dear County fans, Stopfordians, Grimsby supporters, and anyone else from The Football Family joining us today, a very warm welcome to your Friday edition of The Scarf My Father Wore.
“Desmond, possibly, probably the last contribution from Grimsby Town as contemporaries. An absolutely atrocious year in every respect.” That landed in my inbox the other day from Tony Butcher, of Cod Almighty fame. Grimsby failed to reach 50 points this season, but fortunately for them, Forest Green and Sutton were pretty crap.
Today’s edition is sponsored by GTG Gary The Gasman. Gary’s a former British Gas engineer with 38 years experience, providing quality work at an affordable price. You can reach him on 07931 416165 or email garythegasman@yahoo.com.
Thanks also to Pennells, who sponsor our Grimsby Town content on the website.
Finally, I’m currently walking every street in Stockport to raise money for mental health charity Mentell. If you’d like to make a donation to help me reach my target, please click here.
Total distance so far: 148.94 miles
Total steps so far: 237,462
Total raised so far: £1,686
Total completed streets so far: 304 (Click here for the full list, which includes reports and photos from every day of the walk.)
Further information on the walk can be found by clicking here.
Des Junior
I don’t know if you’ve heard, but we’re all going on a League One tour! Are you going to give us a friendly wave off at the airport, or are you glad to see the back of us?
Stockport and The Hollywood Media Fawning Sparklebum Galacticos distort every league they are in, so we are very pleased not to be space debris distantly circling your black holes. Things will be calmer and hopefully less drenched in debt. There’s far too much cash cascading off magic money trees and into a void of fantasy and delusion.
But we’ll miss you, not them, there’s no particular beef with your boys. And it was always a cracking atmosphere.
We do wish you luck as we wave you goodbye. Cheerio, there you go, it’s time for you to hit the road to dreamland. It was divine, but the rooster has finally crowed. We may not see the likes of Stockport or Wrexham again in our lifetime. You’ll miss our chip shops.
Gareth Southgate needs a last minute replacement for his Euro 2024 squad. Which Grimsby player deserves the nod based on their performances this season?
I can only point to chapter 9 of Len Shackleton’s autobiography. You can quote it. In full.
With World War 3 getting closer with each passing day, the government have asked me to pass on the following questions:
A) Who’s been your toughest player in 2023-24, most suitable to stick on the frontline?
B) What’s the best food you’ve had at a ground in 2023-24, that we can use for the troops in the trenches to keep morale up?
C) If World War 3 does kick off, how will Grimsby fans react in a crisis?
A) We haven’t got a tough player, we have players who are tough to watch. The infrequently serene Kieran Green is the nearest we have to that old footballing cliché of someone you’d want in the trenches. He does hare about and get stuck in. Does mistiming a tackle count as hard these days?
There you are, it has to be Green(y), he’d be useful digging the trench.
B) C’mon Desmondo, you know we don’t buy food at any grounds, we take our own. Frugal Northerners and all that, we like what we know and know what we like.
Trawling back through the canyons of my mind I remember buying a chunky Kit Kat in the soulless Jobsworth Stadium down there in Essex. Oh, and there was a delightful Chinese restaurant round the corner from the proper Wimbledon’s weird State Penitentiary. We’ve got a McDonald’s outside our ground, they’ve got McChina’s, but that’s That London for you.
There ain’t nowhere like the old Kidderminster pub pies, the Fourth Division is just so bland on every level. Bring your own we say, but beware Crawley, you need to sign a form to get your sarnies in.
C) They’d be belligerently behind our boys at the start, then, after a few battlefield setbacks start to question the tactics of the generals, the passion of the troops and whether we could afford to fund the campaign. A third would give up, a third would demand an immediate advance on Moscow whilst simultaneously bemoaning the ability of “Our Boys” to beat an egg and a third would keep quiet and carry on.
Armchair warriors are never wrong, just not right yet.
Best moment of 2023-24?
There is no such thing as a best moment, only minutes, sometimes hours, when it wasn’t completely awful. Sure, some would point to one of those early season Abo Eisa screamers; others may fondly pause upon faint memories of the occasional game in which no one had a shot.
We did slaughter SLOUGH 7-2 in the FA Cup, but even that was a mirage. We hung on bravely for the win.
The season ended. We avoided relegation. The best thing we can say is that it’s all over now and we can wipe it from our memories.
It can hardly be described as the best moment, but the most important moment was the very point David Artell decided to exorcise the Doncaster demons with a group hug and some primal scream therapy.
Worst moment of 2023-24?
On the pitch or off it?
Off it we had a dreadful year dominated by death: a current youth team player, a much loved still young ex-player, fans, staff, an iconic local character, the closest of relatives of owners and manager. And then we had a current player diagnosed with cancer.
On the pitch we had a rolling thunder of calamities and a catalogue of callow, shallow, simpering shellackings as Dr Blue Eyes imposed junior Pepball on square heffalumps in round holes. And boy were there holes.
Facts. They tell you everything. The five home games from 1 January, in order:
Grimsby 1 Walsall 6
Grimsby 5 Notts County 5
Grimsby 1 Tranmere 2
Grimsby 1 Stockport 3
Grimsby 1 Doncaster 5
There is no worst moment, just the momentum of moments of mishaps, missed chances and mistaken beliefs.
Funniest moment of 2023-24?
It was a terribly dull and terrible year of nothingness, enlivened by the occasional incidents and accidents. I’m really having to stretch here… a bit like the Colchester keeper at our place.
And we still lost.
Four Four Two said you’d finish 12th. When Saturday Comes said you’d finish 13th. You finished 21st. Discuss.
Whaddya mean? We did finish mid-table. Of the bottom eight.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was supposed to be the age of wisdom, but it was the age of foolishness. It was the epoch of belief last summer, but it was really the epoch of incredulity, for it was the season of lightweights in a season of darkness, with a spring of faint hope after a winter of despair.
Pundits never know anything about the Fourth Division. As we’d just had a high profile FA Cup jaunt we were visible yet, especially given the summer transfer churn, unknowable. So they plonked us in the middle of nowhere.
Many a Mariner was fooled into great expectations through the promise of the appliance of science. But we forgot that we’d just handed a computer to a mild-mannered janitor who couldn’t see the relevance of cutting edge IT to his dust pan and brush.
We survived through the ineptitude of others, grimly grinding to the promised land of just being a bit better than the Colchester Cowleywobblers and Sutton Rugby Club fourth team. I say a bit better, I of course mean slightly less worse, somehow.
Things can only get better. I’m told we’ve actually switched the computer on now.
County 3 Grimsby 2 in October. Grimsby 1 County 3 in February. Thoughts?
I never did get to Edgeley Park: trapped by floods near Worksop, an Escher-like hell of circular side roads that all lead to, but don’t quite get to, beautiful downtown Ollerton. The Octoberfest encounter was a microcosm of our season – a collapsible shambles followed by a grinding partial recovery that didn’t quite erase the abject awfulness of what preceded it.
Ah, now, the home game. Thank you for declaring at three, we appreciate your kindness. Two teams in the same division but leagues apart.
Best and worst away days of 2023-24?
Best? There is no best, well not for me, Clive. They won two away games all season (Salford and Crewe), both 3-0. Great performances they say, oozing professionalism. I wasn’t at either. Never has there been a grimmer season following Grimsby.
Worst? For the football Sutton, for the experience Stockport.
Sutton. Conference North team, with a Conference North ground and a bizarre marital breakdown between a linesman and referee. The pastel peeper, an American on loan, spent the entire game ignoring and ostentatiously overruling one of his linesmen. Except once. Late on, Sutton desperately flinging flans into the box. Push came to shove at a corner and the ball bobbled out. No one appealed for anything, the linesman flagged for an invisible touch and the referee decided to assuage the bruised ego of a sour junior. It could have changed history. But it didn’t. Rotten ground, rotten game, rotten officials spoiled a rotten day.
I told you, we never got to Stockport, our Shangri-La. At one point we were in a 10-mile traffic jam driving over a bridge that was under the fast flowing river on a road that had no number on the map. It summed up the entire season: we tried very hard but never got anywhere near where we wanted to be. It was hairy, it could have been disastrous but we just ended up back in the same place. And Town lost.
Is it time for a new boiler?
You might have an old boiler in your house that isn’t as efficient as it once was. Perhaps now would be a good time to give GTG Gary The Gasman a call and have it replaced.
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If you’d like a quote for any work, give Gary a call on 07931 416165 or email garythegasman@yahoo.com.
Pick up some houseplants from Pennells
Now the football season is over, you might be spending a bit more time on various bits and bobs at home. If there’s any Grimsby fans joining us today, or indeed any of our readers based near Cleethorpes, pop along to Pennells as they’ve had a fresh delivery of houseplants.
Houseplants offer a number of benefits, including:
Boosting moods, productivity, concentration, and creativity
Reducing stress and fatigue
Cleaning indoor air by absorbing toxins, increasing humidity, and producing oxygen
Pennells also have a variety of houseplant composts and feeds available to help you keep your plants healthy and looking their best.
Visit pennells.co.uk for further details.
Photo of the day
The Armoury, Shaw Heath
We’ve been told The Armoury has been taken over by a new landlady and landlord. They’re inviting County fans to join them this weekend. Free cups of tea available.
Today in SK
🎬 Cinema
One film at The Savoy Cinema (SK4) today. Challengers (15) at 5pm. Click here for tickets.
💿 DJs
Stockport’s biggest party at the weekend is at Bask (SK1), with DJ Gareth Brooks playing till 3am. Last entry 1.30am.
The Nelson Tavern (SK1) have their resident DJ playing on a Friday night, with Dicko (Ian Dickinson) on from 8pm till 1am.
🍺 Food and drink
If you find yourself in Stockport today, pop into The Petersgate Tap (SK1) for a pint or two.
Fish Meal Deal at The Friary (SK3). Lite bite fish and chips with peas, curry or gravy. Plus tea or coffee. £9.75.
🎤 Karaoke
The Alexandra (SK3) with DJ Big Ace. 8pm.
🎸 Live music
Liam as Robbie at The Crown (SK6). 9pm.
Adam Smikle at The Rectory (SK8). 8.30pm.
100 random grounds that County have played at
#13 – Gresty Road, Crewe
Last visit: Tuesday 24th October 2023. A huge three points on the road, thanks to second half goals from Wootton and Olaofe.
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Wow. That man, by the way, is a writer. I cannot begin to pick out a moment most worthy of admiration as the whole piece reads as deliciously as a Grimsby haddock pie; you want to savour every morsel. But if pushed; the knowing little reference to chapter 9 of the Clown Prince of Sunderland's autobiography, that is delightful. And effortlessly apposite. Booker Prizes all round, lads!