What’s the story, Crawley Crawley?

Des Junior’s going for Oasis lyrics this year, as The Scarf My Father Wore’s gigantic League One season preview kicks off with the team who stunned everybody by winning the play-offs

Jun 15, 2024

Saturday 15 June 2024

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Dear County fans, Stopfordians, Crawley supporters, and anyone else from The Football Family joining us today, a very warm welcome to your Saturday edition of The Scarf My Father Wore.

I’m currently taking an improvised comedy course in Liverpool on Friday nights (you’ll be able to see me perform with my troupe at Bask soon!) so I didn’t manage to catch the opening game of the Euros last night. I did have a chuckle watching Germany’s five goals on my phone on the Merseyrail back to Chester, surrounded by loads of teenage girls who’d been to the Taylor Swift gig at Anfield (who probably would have done a better job than Scotland’s defence…)

County fan Keith Mills did watch the game, which reminded him of the following tale from when he was living in France:

When the World Cup came to France in 1998, Scotland opened the tournament, just like they did in the Euros this year.

At that time we were running our chambres d’hôtes in rural Normandy. Of course the house was full of British football fans, most of them Blackburn Rovers, who had booked in for the entire tournament and who travelled all over the country to matches, wherever they could get tickets.

The single exception was a Scotsman who was on his way to Paris to watch his team in the opening match against Brazil.

Everyone had booked in for dinner, scheduled for 7.30, and all of our guests were relaxing with drinks waiting for our Scottish friend to arrive so that the meal could be served. Unfortunately (Mr) Christmas was late that year – you can imagine the comments he was greeted with when he finally joined us.

What we didn’t expect was that he had cycled all the way from Edinburgh, wearing a kilt for the whole impressive journey.

The next morning he was off again on the next stage of his journey, for a night in the outskirts of the capital where he stored his bike and took the train to make sure that at least Christmas arrived on time at the Stade de France. Once again it was to defeat, but this time only 2-1.

We’ll have more stuff on the Euros over the next few weeks, but it’s fair to say most County fans are more excited for the start of the new domestic season, with the Hatters back in League One for the first time since 2009-10. I can’t wait for the new campaign, which is why I’m launching our series of season previews today.

Last year, I went with a classic Beautiful South lyric to introduce each article. This year, for no particular reason, it’s Oasis. Over the coming weeks, I’ll be speaking to supporters from every club in League One, and we’re kicking off with Crawley fan Dan Jones.

Today’s edition is sponsored by Rub A Dubz Detailing and Three Shires Chimney Services. A big thank you to both Grant and Perran.

EURO 2024 – DAY 2

2pm: Hungary v Switzerland 🇭🇺🇨🇭

5pm: Spain v Croatia 🇪🇸🇭🇷

8pm: Italy v Albania 🇮🇹 🇦🇱

Here’s a list of the best places to watch today’s games…

Bask (SK1). All the action on two 75” screens.

Crown (SK2). Buy a pint of Helles today and you’ll be in with a chance of winning 52 free pints! There’s also a special menu throughout the Euros.

Armoury (SK3).

Reddish Working Men’s Club (SK5). There’s four screens in the games room, a new projector in the lower games room, and a screen in the middle room where families and children can enjoy the match. Check out the Special Offer Wheel which will be offering a variety of great deals before, during and after each game.

Railway (SK6).

Marple Tavern (SK6). Food served at half-time such as burgers, hot dogs, pizza and chips.

Steelworks (SK6). Game shown upstairs, unless requested otherwise.

Shady Oak (SK7). Food served during the game from the matchday menu. Pick up a loyalty card to receive a discount on certain drinks.

Three Tunnes (SK7). Buy a pint of Helles today and you’ll be in with a chance of winning 52 free pints! There’s also a special menu throughout the Euros.

Cross Keys (SK8). All pints £2.50 from 6pm till 9pm.

Flute & Firkin (SK12). Call 01625 879181 to book a table, and quote “The Scarf My Father Wore” to receive 10% off your first round of drinks. (Not applicable for walk-ins.)

Friendship Inn (SK13). Five big screen TVs with surround sound, including one outside in the beer garden.

Finally, I’m currently walking every street in Stockport to raise money for mental health charity Mentell. If you’d like to make a donation to help me reach my target, please click here.

Total distance so far: 148.94 miles

Total steps so far: 237,462

Total raised so far: £1,881

Total completed streets so far: 304 (Click here for the full list, which includes reports and photos from every day of the walk.)

Further information on the walk can be found by clicking here.

Des Junior

Last win at our place: Tuesday 14 February 2023, League Two, 2-1

Last win at their place: Never (drawn one, lost one)

Today’s Sky Bet title/promotion odds: Us – 20/1 7/1 Them – 150/1 40/1

Top story in the local news today: “Call 999 immediately if you see this wanted man”

Sarcevic gave us the lead at Crawley back in March, before the home side grabbed a late equaliser (Photo courtesy of Mike Petch)

I’m sorry to start with a political question, but as Rishi’s chucked a general election slap bang in pre-season, I feel we’ve got to mention it. Who are you voting for? If that’s too personal just give us a flavour of the current political feeling in Crawley? And which person at your football club do you think would make the best prime minister?

I'll be voting in Leeds so I don't have my finger on the pulse locally in Crawley as much as I should, but out of disgust with the state of both major parties I'm currently swinging between the Greens or the TUSC candidate.

As for prime minister, Scott Lindsey arrived here with the club in disarray and the fans at the throats of the owners, but he quickly united everyone behind his message and has taken us to unforeseen success. I think he could inspire the most hardened pacifist into going to war for him.

Nigel Farage has had cement and a milkshake chucked over him recently. If he was to do a lap of the Broadfield Stadium on a Saturday afternoon, what would Crawley fans be most likely to throw at him?

If it had anything to do with me it'd be some of the rancid standing water that has coalesced within our glorified tent of an East Stand. From the majority, however, I suspect it'd be something ranging from apathy to roses.

If you had to compare the ownership and daily operations of your club to a political party, which would it be?

The Syrian Ba'ath Party. The people behind the scenes may be comically dodgy and rarely acting in the best interests of its supporters, but as long as the main man retains his godlike status amongst the masses then they're going nowhere soon.

On and off the pitch, what do you think your club’s manifesto should say for the next 12 months?

I hope it'd fare better than it did for Theresa May, but the focus should be "strong and stable". What we achieved last season was remarkable but it’s so important that we don't spaff that progress away and make sure the club are still reaping the benefits in five years’ time.

Right, that’s enough political stuff. Next question. “We’re all from Stockport, who the fuck are you…?”

We're all from Crawley. It’s a town and former market village in West Sussex that was one of the first designated under the 1946 New Towns Act and whose economic development has been intrinsically linked to the nearby Gatwick Airport. It is also home to a football club that has hidden in regional obscurity for much of its 128-year existence but thanks to a generous local benefactor, a shady man in Hong Kong who made some money out of the Thai strip club scene, and football's favourite plus sized Scottish tax avoider, has been an irritant in the diaries of Football League fans since 2011.

Which team do you most want to beat this season?

I think it'll be the stock answer for most League One fans this season but I'd love to get one over on Wrexham. I don't have anything in particular against the club or their local support, but they were really twee and annoying in praising our style of play after they'd just beaten us 4-1 and I'd like to see if they're as gracious in defeat.

Which Crawley player is most likely to end up in League One’s team of the season?

We have some very capable players but given that none of them managed to crack the League Two team of the season, the chances are that they’ll have to move elsewhere to make it happen. I think the most plausible outcome is that a top six side throw some money at us for Danilo Orsi after his stellar season just gone, he replicates his performances for a side who can provide him with better service, and the Crawley faithful are left wistfully humming “Horny” by Mousse T as we numb ourselves thinking back to happier times.

County haven’t been to Crawley in the league since March 2024. In just one paragraph, sum up everything that’s happened at your place since then.

Pretty quiet few months. Made our first ever play-off campaign, broke the record for a semi-final aggregate win, got promoted on our first ever trip to Wembley, and have spent the intermittent period doing victory laps around journalists as we dredge up their apocalyptic predictions from this time last year.

Crawley away. I think of one of those fairly nondescript places between London and the south coast that doesn’t really do anything, Romesh Ranganathan, and an airport. Do I need to educate myself further, or is that fairly accurate?

Gareth Southgate and Dan Walker from Football Focus are the other notable former residents, but you've pretty much nailed the stock answers to the question “what the fuck is a Crawley?".

What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you think of Stockport County?

The old pub quiz titbit of Edgeley Park being the closest ground to the River Mersey, and the sadness at its imminent irrelevancy thanks to Everton's questionably financed monolith.

Rotherham play at the New York Stadium. NFL star Tom Brady is involved at Birmingham. Wrexham are plastered all over Netflix or Nickelodeon or whatever it is. League One has a bit of an American flavour this season. What’s the most American thing about Crawley?

Our flying left wing-back Jeremy Kelly! Having come from "Memphis 901 FC" in the US second tier it struck me as the kind of signing you'd make by accident on Football Manager, but he really made that role his own in the latter part of the season and hopefully he signs on for another year so I don't have to replace this with some cringeworthy Yankism from the early months of the ownership.

I’ve been watching Football Cops on Channel 4 recently, featuring Sunderland fans kicking down barriers after the game at Coventry, and loads of little Crewe rapscallions playing up at home to Walsall. On a scale of 1 to 10, how naughty are Crawley fans these days, and how safe will our lot be when we make the trip to West Sussex this season?

The home lot are largely quite docile with both sets of fans usually able to mingle quite amicably in the bar pre-match. There's the occasional coked up moron who wants to make a show of themselves on an away day but I like to think we're able to police ourselves quite effectively.

Who or what needs to be top of Crawley’s shopping list before the new season starts in August?

That is going to depend very heavily on which of our players who we're currently talking to we're able to resign. It looks increasingly like both of our first choice wide centre-backs are going to be poached by an MK Dons side who've decided to copy our homework, so we'll definitely need reinforcements there. The rest of the players we're still in conversation with are wing-backs or number 10s, so it'd be great if we could retain them but I'm very aware that we'll struggle to match the wage offers of most teams in this league or even below. We could also do with a striker to compete with Orsi as I think he played near enough every minute last season which doesn't feel very sustainable.

What’s your early predictions in terms of the promotion and relegation places?

I think all three teams dropping down from the Championship will be really dangerous. Evans is already doing his thing of signing 15 players in the first month while pretending he fought off interest from Barcelona, Birmingham will be able to attract a good calibre of player with their ambitious ownership, and Mike Duff at Huddersfield is a manager I really like even if by all accounts they're also cursed with a batty American owner. Peterborough are always perennially there too and I think Charlton under Nathan Jones will be very competitive.

At the bottom there's no doubt that we'll be favourites (again). To pick on another few clubs, the noises out of Shrewsbury feel very grim at the moment, I'm expecting a fairly big post Evans hangover at Stevenage, and although I think their manager is fantastic you can't help but fear for the financial situation at Reading again.

Have your car looking shiny in the sunshine

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Does your log burner, stove or chimney need some TLC? Give it a summer service!

Warmer weather means less time in front of the fire and more time outside in the garden. It’s the perfect time to give your chimney or flue a good clean and service. Removing soot built up over the winter prolongs the life of flue liners, validates your home insurance and ensures your safety.

Three Shires Chimney Services is a professional, APICS trained, insured and friendly chimney sweep and birds nest removal specialist with over 65 five star reviews. Perran provides standard chimney sweeps, birds nest removals, CCTV inspections, cowl fittings and more.

Any chimney sweep in an SK postcode is currently £75 and includes a certificate and smoke test, to give you peace of mind.

Visit threeshireschimneyservices.com for further details.

Photo of the day

Phil Foden, as a young lady. She’d definitely turn a few heads on Castle Street…

Today in SK

🎬 Cinema

Three films at The Savoy Cinema (SK4) today. The Garfield Movie (U) at 12.45pm, If (U) at 3pm and The Fall Guy (12A) at 5.30pm. Click here for tickets.

Tonight, there’s a charity sing-along screening of Grease, raising money for the With Love, Steph charity. Auditorium opens at 8pm, with Grease karaoke between 8.15pm and 8.45pm, before the film starts at 9pm.

💿 DJ

Stockport’s biggest party at the weekend is at Bask (SK1), with DJ Gareth Brooks playing till 3am. Last entry 1.30am.

🍺 Food and drink

If you’re in Stockport today, pop into The Petersgate Tap (SK1) for a pint or two.

🎤 Karaoke

The Nelson Tavern (SK1) with Lee. From 8pm.

🎸 Live music

Due to overwhelming demand following their unforgettable New Year’s Eve performance, Motown Magic are making a triumphant return to Reddish Working Men’s Club (SK5). Get ready to dance the night away to the iconic sounds of Motown legends like Otis Redding, Marvin Gaye, and many more. 8pm. Tickets £10.

The Harper Brothers at The Crown (SK6). 9pm.

100 random grounds that County have played at

#38 – The Den, Millwall

Last visit: One to forget. Back in March 2010, County lost 5-0 on their way to relegation from League One. Danny Swailes and Paul Huntington both scored own goals on a disastrous afternoon in South London.